Well, here it is April Fool's Day. My children are gone for the week with their father. It is hard when they are gone for more than a day or two. I feel like I have lost my identity when they are not here. I do try to fill my days by spending time with Tracy by hanging out in his office with him....going to lunch....I have even gone to work with him a few days this week. I don't know. I did have a hard time on Saturday when I left them with their dad. I felt like I am putting them through all this turmoil by going back and forth between their parents; one of which openly shows resentment towards the other. I don't know... it seems that one little thing throws me into a tail spin of depression and suicidal thoughts. I have had two episodes this past week where I honestly thought more about how my absense would be better for all than my presense. I don't know....maybe things will get better when this long winter comes to an end.
I am still moving forward in my relationship with Tracy. It is weird, but I have never been in a relationship where I tend to go back and forth on whether or not this is a good thing. I can sit there and look and him and know that I love him. And yet at other times I find myself asking myself "What in the HELL am I doing?" This is so out of character for me, but I do love him...no doubt. I just find so much conflict between he and I. I think it is just he has such a different way of expressioning his feelings and needs than I am used to or that I have ever been around. I love the fact that he gets an idea in his head and makes it materialize almost instantly. He is definately not a procrastinator, and THAT I do love about him.
We are getting settled into our home. It is warm and cozy now with all the clean up and work we have done on it. Regardless of the several feet of snow we have to plow out of the driveway every morning just to get to town, we are very content and excited about when the snow does FINALLY melt and we get to inspect the the actual five acres of land we have purchased.
Oh, on a cute note: We purchased 14 baby chicks on Sunday. On Saturday I asked Tracy to make me a small chick cage, and lo and behold, the following morning he got up, made the cage, and we ran to town and picked out our chicks (6 Rhode Island Reds; 6 Cornish Rocks; 2 Barred Rocks). I am thrilled to have finally gotten my chicks. I have waited for almost four years for them. So, I must give a Thank You to my Tracy.
I must close for now. Not too much depth in this blog.
