The Ride

Let go.
Move on with your life.
It's not about what happened in the past
or what you think might happen in the future.
It's about the Ride.

There is no point in going through all this crap
if you are not going to enjoy the Ride.
And when you least expect it
something great might come along.
Something better than you even planned for.


From the movie "Along Came Polly"

THIS IS A BLOG I WROTE IN SEPTEMBER

How does one do it? I keep asking myself this. How does one keep starting over? Failure after failure after failuare. I am a woman with so much passion and love. I have the desire to please any man whom chooses to love me unconditionally. But here I sit again, all alone, on top of a mountain. You would think that the view from my home up on this mountain would bring peace to anyone's heart, but my heart feels nothing but loneliness and fear. I am afraid no one will love me. My chance of that one life-long love has passed me by.

MINDLESS LOVE

We can't help who we fall in love with.
We can't control what happens.
Sometimes it just does.
And yet love is the most intense feeling of emotion and joy.
And it can also be the worst.
Your heart tells you one thing: your mind another.
Feelings vs. Logic
But when do you know?
How can you know?
What defines absolute love?
Do you just close your eyes and jump?
Hoping that special person will catch you as you fall?
Or do you turn in fear and walk away?
Never to know whether or not that someone would have saved you.
It's a game between the mind and the heart, and fear is the Referee.
Fear of what we may lose.
Fear of what may never happen.
Who wins in this battle of Love vs. Logic?
Does anyone win in this game of Mindless Love?

WOW.....the saying that life can turn on a dime? OMG. My last blog was a few weeks ago. Since then I have been in a mad rush to get my house prepared to list on the market to sell. I have had nothing but bitterness and resentment from Tracy. The ironic thing is....I still love him. I just am not a person who could marry someone and NOT love them. My feelings were, and still are, true.

Okay, now the real blow that life has to offer. After leaving me, Tracy has since found out that he has a type of bone marrow cancer, in Stage 3, that needs aggressive treatment and a stem cell transplant. We have known for a few weeks that something was wrong and that it could possibly be a form of cancer, but Tracy wants me to have no part in his testing, diagnosis, or any type of interaction with his life. Now, here is a 49 year old man who has basically blown everyone off in his life: family, wifes, sons, etc... The only relationship he has allowed is a man friendship. Nothing deep or intimate. Nothing that requires any work.

I am devastated. Here I sit, still loving this man, still his wife, and unable to comfort him, ease his concerns or doubts, or just hold his hand. Has he realized how vulnerable life can be? I think he just might. Right now life is crashing down on him as he continues to refuse to allow me to have any contact with him. Is he punishing me in some way? Maybe. I don't know. What I do know is that I have felt for several years now that I have been living on borrowed time with my own health problems. Most people don't understand that. I think he just may understand what I meant when I kept telling him how precious life really is.

Tracy, if by chance you ever read this, please know that the day I married you, June 6, 2009, was a day of total commitment on my part. I love you. And even if you never allow me to be a part of your life ever again, know that I will always love you. You are loved UNCONDITIONALLY.

An Old Dog

Okay, it happened. Everyone told me it would. Tracy ditched out on me, the house, and all our bills. I am left responsible for everything. The amazing thing is....he states that I ran him off. That I am sick and need help. My question is this....who is still here being resposible towards the obligations we made to our debts? Who has saught help for an illness and has admitted to needing it ? Who is the one that is home every night and not sitting in a bar drinking away responsiblity and oligation? Who is mature enough to admit faults and strong enough to work through them with someone they love? And he says I am the sick one. The only thing I am sick in is the fact that I WAS too sick to see the truth of who he is. I was too sick to see the truth, but once I got well it became clear as day.

Yes, I loved Tracy. Not the real Tracy mind you, the Tracy that I had created in my mind. I feel sorry for the real Tracy. He had someone who loved him unconditionally and he threw it away. Thank you, Tracy. Thank you for throwing me into the air and setting me free.

There is a saying:

You can teach a dog new tricks,
but you can't teach a dog to be a man.

The Dragonflies have become translucent

Okay....now looking back at all these things I have written in this blog over the past 9 months, it is obvious I was out of sorts.

Lets be real here. This blog is about honesty, right? So let me be honest. Last week I was discharged from the hospital. In the last two weeks I have been admitted to the what some people call a "psych" unit, TWICE. The first stint was due to the fact that I wanted to die and did various attempts of laying down in front of a truck asking the driver to run me over, or driving down the railroad tracks on my way to nowhere. I was finally found fishing below the dam in my pajamas. The second stint was due to the fact that the meds they gave me on the previous week's hospitalization weren't right. I had three actual suicide attempts in less than 4 hours, my last attempt being when I saw the Sheriff pulling into my driveway to do a welfare check. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I did. I wanted to die. The crazy thing is, I don't really know why. I felt so hopeless and the inner turmoil was unbearable. My friend asked me what she could do for me, and I cried, begging her to "let me go, please, just let me go so I can be with my grandmother and my friend." They are both deceased. Kinda scary.

Well, I am better now. MUCH better. And guess what? The dragonflies are still there in my mind, but they are translucent. They are not blocking my view, just adding to the beauty. I see colors now, not chaos, I feel loved by friends and family, not alone and abandoned. I am doing great.

Now, I do have to say, and not that I am putting blame on anyone, but my intuition on Tracy was right on. I was just too sick to see the truth and I became too weak emotionally to do what needed to be done.

I am anxiosly awaiting for my kids to return home. They have been with their father for a few weeks but will return home after Labor Day weekend so we can move forward in our life together. Just the three of us. I am hopeful. Excited. Happy.

Missing Someone

It is 1100 pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here all alone on the sofa with the tv on. My kids are gone with their dad and Tracy is fast asleep in bed. I am lonely. In fact, I am lonely most of the time. I miss my friend. You know who you are for you are the only follower of this blog. I have been thinking about you often and missing our intimate talks. Intimacy is something I crave. I never knew how important it was to me until I no longer had it. Intimacy, not sex mind you, just the deep discussions about anything, the holding of hands and not having to say a word, the look in one's eyes and seeing a knowing thought or need. Intimacy....sharing something that you share with no one else. Yes, I am starving for intimacy. I miss you, Karsten.