Okay, it happened. Everyone told me it would. Tracy ditched out on me, the house, and all our bills. I am left responsible for everything. The amazing thing is....he states that I ran him off. That I am sick and need help. My question is this....who is still here being resposible towards the obligations we made to our debts? Who has saught help for an illness and has admitted to needing it ? Who is the one that is home every night and not sitting in a bar drinking away responsiblity and oligation? Who is mature enough to admit faults and strong enough to work through them with someone they love? And he says I am the sick one. The only thing I am sick in is the fact that I WAS too sick to see the truth of who he is. I was too sick to see the truth, but once I got well it became clear as day.
Yes, I loved Tracy. Not the real Tracy mind you, the Tracy that I had created in my mind. I feel sorry for the real Tracy. He had someone who loved him unconditionally and he threw it away. Thank you, Tracy. Thank you for throwing me into the air and setting me free.
There is a saying:
You can teach a dog new tricks,
but you can't teach a dog to be a man.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Dragonflies have become translucent
Okay....now looking back at all these things I have written in this blog over the past 9 months, it is obvious I was out of sorts.
Lets be real here. This blog is about honesty, right? So let me be honest. Last week I was discharged from the hospital. In the last two weeks I have been admitted to the what some people call a "psych" unit, TWICE. The first stint was due to the fact that I wanted to die and did various attempts of laying down in front of a truck asking the driver to run me over, or driving down the railroad tracks on my way to nowhere. I was finally found fishing below the dam in my pajamas. The second stint was due to the fact that the meds they gave me on the previous week's hospitalization weren't right. I had three actual suicide attempts in less than 4 hours, my last attempt being when I saw the Sheriff pulling into my driveway to do a welfare check. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I did. I wanted to die. The crazy thing is, I don't really know why. I felt so hopeless and the inner turmoil was unbearable. My friend asked me what she could do for me, and I cried, begging her to "let me go, please, just let me go so I can be with my grandmother and my friend." They are both deceased. Kinda scary.
Well, I am better now. MUCH better. And guess what? The dragonflies are still there in my mind, but they are translucent. They are not blocking my view, just adding to the beauty. I see colors now, not chaos, I feel loved by friends and family, not alone and abandoned. I am doing great.
Now, I do have to say, and not that I am putting blame on anyone, but my intuition on Tracy was right on. I was just too sick to see the truth and I became too weak emotionally to do what needed to be done.
I am anxiosly awaiting for my kids to return home. They have been with their father for a few weeks but will return home after Labor Day weekend so we can move forward in our life together. Just the three of us. I am hopeful. Excited. Happy.
Lets be real here. This blog is about honesty, right? So let me be honest. Last week I was discharged from the hospital. In the last two weeks I have been admitted to the what some people call a "psych" unit, TWICE. The first stint was due to the fact that I wanted to die and did various attempts of laying down in front of a truck asking the driver to run me over, or driving down the railroad tracks on my way to nowhere. I was finally found fishing below the dam in my pajamas. The second stint was due to the fact that the meds they gave me on the previous week's hospitalization weren't right. I had three actual suicide attempts in less than 4 hours, my last attempt being when I saw the Sheriff pulling into my driveway to do a welfare check. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I did. I wanted to die. The crazy thing is, I don't really know why. I felt so hopeless and the inner turmoil was unbearable. My friend asked me what she could do for me, and I cried, begging her to "let me go, please, just let me go so I can be with my grandmother and my friend." They are both deceased. Kinda scary.
Well, I am better now. MUCH better. And guess what? The dragonflies are still there in my mind, but they are translucent. They are not blocking my view, just adding to the beauty. I see colors now, not chaos, I feel loved by friends and family, not alone and abandoned. I am doing great.
Now, I do have to say, and not that I am putting blame on anyone, but my intuition on Tracy was right on. I was just too sick to see the truth and I became too weak emotionally to do what needed to be done.
I am anxiosly awaiting for my kids to return home. They have been with their father for a few weeks but will return home after Labor Day weekend so we can move forward in our life together. Just the three of us. I am hopeful. Excited. Happy.
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