WOW.....the saying that life can turn on a dime? OMG. My last blog was a few weeks ago. Since then I have been in a mad rush to get my house prepared to list on the market to sell. I have had nothing but bitterness and resentment from Tracy. The ironic thing is....I still love him. I just am not a person who could marry someone and NOT love them. My feelings were, and still are, true.
Okay, now the real blow that life has to offer. After leaving me, Tracy has since found out that he has a type of bone marrow cancer, in Stage 3, that needs aggressive treatment and a stem cell transplant. We have known for a few weeks that something was wrong and that it could possibly be a form of cancer, but Tracy wants me to have no part in his testing, diagnosis, or any type of interaction with his life. Now, here is a 49 year old man who has basically blown everyone off in his life: family, wifes, sons, etc... The only relationship he has allowed is a man friendship. Nothing deep or intimate. Nothing that requires any work.
I am devastated. Here I sit, still loving this man, still his wife, and unable to comfort him, ease his concerns or doubts, or just hold his hand. Has he realized how vulnerable life can be? I think he just might. Right now life is crashing down on him as he continues to refuse to allow me to have any contact with him. Is he punishing me in some way? Maybe. I don't know. What I do know is that I have felt for several years now that I have been living on borrowed time with my own health problems. Most people don't understand that. I think he just may understand what I meant when I kept telling him how precious life really is.
Tracy, if by chance you ever read this, please know that the day I married you, June 6, 2009, was a day of total commitment on my part. I love you. And even if you never allow me to be a part of your life ever again, know that I will always love you. You are loved UNCONDITIONALLY.
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