THIS IS A BLOG I WROTE IN SEPTEMBER

How does one do it? I keep asking myself this. How does one keep starting over? Failure after failure after failuare. I am a woman with so much passion and love. I have the desire to please any man whom chooses to love me unconditionally. But here I sit again, all alone, on top of a mountain. You would think that the view from my home up on this mountain would bring peace to anyone's heart, but my heart feels nothing but loneliness and fear. I am afraid no one will love me. My chance of that one life-long love has passed me by.

MINDLESS LOVE

We can't help who we fall in love with.
We can't control what happens.
Sometimes it just does.
And yet love is the most intense feeling of emotion and joy.
And it can also be the worst.
Your heart tells you one thing: your mind another.
Feelings vs. Logic
But when do you know?
How can you know?
What defines absolute love?
Do you just close your eyes and jump?
Hoping that special person will catch you as you fall?
Or do you turn in fear and walk away?
Never to know whether or not that someone would have saved you.
It's a game between the mind and the heart, and fear is the Referee.
Fear of what we may lose.
Fear of what may never happen.
Who wins in this battle of Love vs. Logic?
Does anyone win in this game of Mindless Love?

WOW.....the saying that life can turn on a dime? OMG. My last blog was a few weeks ago. Since then I have been in a mad rush to get my house prepared to list on the market to sell. I have had nothing but bitterness and resentment from Tracy. The ironic thing is....I still love him. I just am not a person who could marry someone and NOT love them. My feelings were, and still are, true.

Okay, now the real blow that life has to offer. After leaving me, Tracy has since found out that he has a type of bone marrow cancer, in Stage 3, that needs aggressive treatment and a stem cell transplant. We have known for a few weeks that something was wrong and that it could possibly be a form of cancer, but Tracy wants me to have no part in his testing, diagnosis, or any type of interaction with his life. Now, here is a 49 year old man who has basically blown everyone off in his life: family, wifes, sons, etc... The only relationship he has allowed is a man friendship. Nothing deep or intimate. Nothing that requires any work.

I am devastated. Here I sit, still loving this man, still his wife, and unable to comfort him, ease his concerns or doubts, or just hold his hand. Has he realized how vulnerable life can be? I think he just might. Right now life is crashing down on him as he continues to refuse to allow me to have any contact with him. Is he punishing me in some way? Maybe. I don't know. What I do know is that I have felt for several years now that I have been living on borrowed time with my own health problems. Most people don't understand that. I think he just may understand what I meant when I kept telling him how precious life really is.

Tracy, if by chance you ever read this, please know that the day I married you, June 6, 2009, was a day of total commitment on my part. I love you. And even if you never allow me to be a part of your life ever again, know that I will always love you. You are loved UNCONDITIONALLY.

An Old Dog

Okay, it happened. Everyone told me it would. Tracy ditched out on me, the house, and all our bills. I am left responsible for everything. The amazing thing is....he states that I ran him off. That I am sick and need help. My question is this....who is still here being resposible towards the obligations we made to our debts? Who has saught help for an illness and has admitted to needing it ? Who is the one that is home every night and not sitting in a bar drinking away responsiblity and oligation? Who is mature enough to admit faults and strong enough to work through them with someone they love? And he says I am the sick one. The only thing I am sick in is the fact that I WAS too sick to see the truth of who he is. I was too sick to see the truth, but once I got well it became clear as day.

Yes, I loved Tracy. Not the real Tracy mind you, the Tracy that I had created in my mind. I feel sorry for the real Tracy. He had someone who loved him unconditionally and he threw it away. Thank you, Tracy. Thank you for throwing me into the air and setting me free.

There is a saying:

You can teach a dog new tricks,
but you can't teach a dog to be a man.

The Dragonflies have become translucent

Okay....now looking back at all these things I have written in this blog over the past 9 months, it is obvious I was out of sorts.

Lets be real here. This blog is about honesty, right? So let me be honest. Last week I was discharged from the hospital. In the last two weeks I have been admitted to the what some people call a "psych" unit, TWICE. The first stint was due to the fact that I wanted to die and did various attempts of laying down in front of a truck asking the driver to run me over, or driving down the railroad tracks on my way to nowhere. I was finally found fishing below the dam in my pajamas. The second stint was due to the fact that the meds they gave me on the previous week's hospitalization weren't right. I had three actual suicide attempts in less than 4 hours, my last attempt being when I saw the Sheriff pulling into my driveway to do a welfare check. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I did. I wanted to die. The crazy thing is, I don't really know why. I felt so hopeless and the inner turmoil was unbearable. My friend asked me what she could do for me, and I cried, begging her to "let me go, please, just let me go so I can be with my grandmother and my friend." They are both deceased. Kinda scary.

Well, I am better now. MUCH better. And guess what? The dragonflies are still there in my mind, but they are translucent. They are not blocking my view, just adding to the beauty. I see colors now, not chaos, I feel loved by friends and family, not alone and abandoned. I am doing great.

Now, I do have to say, and not that I am putting blame on anyone, but my intuition on Tracy was right on. I was just too sick to see the truth and I became too weak emotionally to do what needed to be done.

I am anxiosly awaiting for my kids to return home. They have been with their father for a few weeks but will return home after Labor Day weekend so we can move forward in our life together. Just the three of us. I am hopeful. Excited. Happy.

Missing Someone

It is 1100 pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here all alone on the sofa with the tv on. My kids are gone with their dad and Tracy is fast asleep in bed. I am lonely. In fact, I am lonely most of the time. I miss my friend. You know who you are for you are the only follower of this blog. I have been thinking about you often and missing our intimate talks. Intimacy is something I crave. I never knew how important it was to me until I no longer had it. Intimacy, not sex mind you, just the deep discussions about anything, the holding of hands and not having to say a word, the look in one's eyes and seeing a knowing thought or need. Intimacy....sharing something that you share with no one else. Yes, I am starving for intimacy. I miss you, Karsten.

Well, here it is April Fool's Day. My children are gone for the week with their father. It is hard when they are gone for more than a day or two. I feel like I have lost my identity when they are not here. I do try to fill my days by spending time with Tracy by hanging out in his office with him....going to lunch....I have even gone to work with him a few days this week. I don't know. I did have a hard time on Saturday when I left them with their dad. I felt like I am putting them through all this turmoil by going back and forth between their parents; one of which openly shows resentment towards the other. I don't know... it seems that one little thing throws me into a tail spin of depression and suicidal thoughts. I have had two episodes this past week where I honestly thought more about how my absense would be better for all than my presense. I don't know....maybe things will get better when this long winter comes to an end.

I am still moving forward in my relationship with Tracy. It is weird, but I have never been in a relationship where I tend to go back and forth on whether or not this is a good thing. I can sit there and look and him and know that I love him. And yet at other times I find myself asking myself "What in the HELL am I doing?" This is so out of character for me, but I do love him...no doubt. I just find so much conflict between he and I. I think it is just he has such a different way of expressioning his feelings and needs than I am used to or that I have ever been around. I love the fact that he gets an idea in his head and makes it materialize almost instantly. He is definately not a procrastinator, and THAT I do love about him.

We are getting settled into our home. It is warm and cozy now with all the clean up and work we have done on it. Regardless of the several feet of snow we have to plow out of the driveway every morning just to get to town, we are very content and excited about when the snow does FINALLY melt and we get to inspect the the actual five acres of land we have purchased.

Oh, on a cute note: We purchased 14 baby chicks on Sunday. On Saturday I asked Tracy to make me a small chick cage, and lo and behold, the following morning he got up, made the cage, and we ran to town and picked out our chicks (6 Rhode Island Reds; 6 Cornish Rocks; 2 Barred Rocks). I am thrilled to have finally gotten my chicks. I have waited for almost four years for them. So, I must give a Thank You to my Tracy.

I must close for now. Not too much depth in this blog.

A Little Bit of Honesty

I was told I needed to write something in my blog. I guess the reason I have not been writing on my blog is because I am too confused in my life to be honest with myself. And my blog is all about being honest with myself.

Okay....here is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

I divorced my ex-husband in December of 2008. He actually asked for a divorce, I just took the initiative so that he wouldn't be in control of all the decisions that were made in regards to the divorce.

I met a man within a few weeks of my divorce becoming final. My ex, my mother, and who knows who else, thinks I left my ex for another man. That has created quite a stir amongst my family and friends. I know the truth, and that is all I can do is hold onto what I know to be true.

Now, here I live with this man I met. He is a good man, and we do enjoy the same things (fishing, the outdoors, etc...).

BUT.......

I hate to say it, but he is not making a good impression on my children. He is so high strung, and I feel like he is sometimes condescending to me. He can be very centered on himself, and yet he has no idea he is even doing so. He is very apologetic when I call him on certain things, so that is a plus, but I feel our relationship is already like an old married couple. Or, to be perfectly honest with myself, I feel like I am back in my old marriage in a way. Sex is great....when we have it. I obviously want sex more than he and lately I have had to go back to using my toys on occasion.

I don't know....Do I love him? Yes. Am I having fun in our relationship? Absolutelty NOT.

I think that is enough honesty for today.